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An interview with T. Holy Ghost doesn't take place the way a normal interview does.I'm used to meeting someone in a restaurant or caf? or even talking with them on the phone.I was taken aback when T's publicist called from?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" />Salt Lake Cityand outlined our unusual arrangement."Just pray about it," the publicist said."If you are worthy, and in tune, you will be able to hear the still small voice.Remember, as it says in the Book of James, your questions will be answered."He continued, "You can pray any time and no question is off limits, but if you offend the Spirit, it will be withdrawn from you for a season.Sp please keep your questions to pure topics."While that provided plenty of flexibility for my interviewing schedule, I was frustrated by the vague nature of off-limits topics.When I interviewed Victoria Gotti, the guideline was simple: Thou shalt not mention her father."Pure" is a rather subjective restriction, but it did prompt me to scratch my questions about Paris Hilton off the list.With that in mind, I brewed a pot of coffee (I now realize that was afaux pas) and knelt by my bedside as I did the last time I prayed as a child.I was ready for a long night, because the last still, small voice I ever heard was from a young woman soliciting her services, when I was on assignment overseas.In the interest of the "Pure" directive, I'll cut that story short and point out that I said "no" to the offer made.After what seemed like an hour, I finally thought I heard the voice I was told to listen for.I pressed on, starting on the list of questions I had on a list on top of my bed.Due to limitations on the recording of supernatural voices, I wasn't able to get an exact transcript of what followed.These are my notes, made after the interview, which I believe is fairly accurate, if not verbatim.Q. Ghost, it's a pleasure to hear from you, it seems like it has been for ever, if ever in my life that I've heard your voice.What prompts you to speak to a journalist?After all, we are widely regarded as one of the less pious life forms.A.It's my pleasure.My superiors and the folks inUtahdecided it was time for me to make the rounds, let people get to know me better.After all, it's supposed to be by my power that people become converted.Outside of a time like this, I'm commanded to only speak Father's will.Q.Is this related to the shortening of your name?Why T. Holy Ghost?It sounds like a P. Diddy type of publicity move.A.Oh, it's pretty different from Diddy's move.The people inSaltLakehave been begging us to make the change for years.All the leaders down there have initials in their names.They said if they could use an initial like they do, that people would see us as powerful leaders, just like people see the General Authorities.Q.And you actually believed that?A.Well, Father finally agreed to make the change.You have to be careful with Father.If you beg him for something long enough, he'll give it to you, even if it's a really bad idea like this one was.I tried to disagree, but, as always, I let my Father's will be done.Q.You don't ever get your way?Aren't you ever tempted to get a word in?A.Oh, I have my own thoughts and will, but I learned pretty fast who in the Big Trio put the "in" in "infallible."I mean, the Big Guy is dead on every time.I don't know how he does that whole "omniscient" thing, but it works, so I just relay the message.Q.I understand that you are the only member of the Godhead without a body.What challenges does that present you with?Do you ever feel like the odd man out without one?A.Sure there are times when I'd like to grab a glass of wine after a hard day, I mean back when you could do something like that, but it's more than counterbalanced by my ability to get inside people.Q. How so?A.I mean, I have the unique ability to really speak to a person's heart like no one in the Universe.I've been blessed with that, to testify, to comfort or even to sanctify.Sanctification, the whole "baptism of fire" thing can really be some work, because some people mess themselves up so badly.But at the end of a thousand-year day, I'm glad for those spirits that have been purged of evil.Then there are places likeSudan--what a hell hole--but I touch people there with some kind of comfort that things will be ok, but it's hard because they don't have the same frame of reference or education that most westerners do. But the message gets across to those who try to listen.The problem is that it's fleeting.They don't have the Gift, so they only hear things for a while.Q. The Gift?Do you mean like people who are gifted to see the paranormal?A.Oh, no, those types are usually quacks.I'm talking about the laying on of hands.Q.That's conferred on people by the male members of your church, right?A.Exactly.Q. So are you male or female?The way you seem to comfort people, it almost seems as if you're female...A.Well, speaking of The Gift, your time is up.I've got thousands of Hurricane victims to testify to and comfort.It's been great talking with you.?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" />And, like that, He (or She) was gone.I sat there, and felt a warm glow as I completed my notes.I really had more to ask, but I couldn't help but think that my ill-timed coffee binge turned him (or her) off.I was still feeling a bit of a caffeine buzz, so I pondered it all while I ate leftover pizza and watched a rerun ofFamily Guy.
Attending church so you don"t have to.