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Title: Travelling back to me...
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Score: 50800
From: Canada
Registered: 11/06/2008

(Date Posted:05/18/2009 13:53)
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Well... it is the last day of my holidays and tho' I have travelled less than 10 miles from my home, I believe I have travelled 100's of miles in my spirit.  Instead of playing on the net in my usual manner during my "play hours", I decided to remove myself from this world and to some extent, even the world I live in... Instead, I travelled to where my spirit was hiding and I found it to be sorely in need of my attention.  That I could find it at all after ignoring it the way I have, was a wonder all by itself...

But.. there it was... looking much like a starved dog whose been left out in the rain for far too long and of course, it looked at me with a sizable amount of mistrust and reproach.  I had to approach somewhat carefully and even that took a bit of bravery on my part... I couldn't be sure that it would listen or even care to hear what I had to say so I had to spend a sizable amount of time explaining how it is that I could still care about it while maintaining such a distance... And of course, I had to make some promises that I could keep about my intention to do better in the future... 

I was trying to make some decisions about how I could make my life a better place to be after finding myself alone, on an Island, going to work and coming home with not much to look forward to.  After finding the job that is likely paying me the most I could make anywhere, I found myself wondering why I ever thought that would make me happy.  To have it, I must sacrifice all those wonderful times when I could be making memories with my daughter, my grandson and my son-in-law.  To have it, I must live on an Island where smiles seem like too much to ask from anyone.  To have it, I must come to peace with the silence of all that I miss.  I just couldn't see myself doing that for the next 10 years of my life.

Being an "all or nothing" type of gal, I saw this as a black and white scenario... I was either "there" or I was "here"... There contain all the people that I love but it also contains a very difficult job market where the employers feel no need to be wage[fair.  So many people want to live there that 100's line up for the lowliest job.  "There" held the possibility of poverty and dependency on others that I would feel ashamed about...

So.. this holiday was about trying to make some decisions and it was almost midweek before I could force myself to leap back into the mental push and shove of my confusion.  I went to have a hot bubble bath and grabbed a book to read.  It was a book I've had around for almost 2 years but have never read so I thought, "what the hell..." and grabbed it.  It was "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck... an oldie I'd always promised myself I would read in that elusive "someday"... I believe it was my angel that wrapped my hand around that book and carried it into the bathtub with me...

From the moment I opened it, I found such guidance and wisdom in its pages... The first chapters were about truth and honesty, particularly... honesty within ourselves and the willingness to see things as they really and truly are... I always thought I was good at that but as I read, I was visually comparing his ideas with mine and I found mine to be slightly out in left field.  Hmmm.... I wondered if the complexity of my decision would be lessened by truth so I let my thoughts wander into my own situation... When I took my "wants" out of the equation, there were some glaring realities I hadn't wanted to think about...

As I read on, he began to tackle the concept of discipline and discussed our ability to "discipline our disciplines"... Balance, he said, must be applied to ALL things in order to be mentally healthy and that includes balancing our self-control with our willingness to take risks and to be vulnerable as we live... Whewwweee.... For the past 2 years, I haven't been willing to take risks OR be vulnerable.  Back came the chapter on being honest with myself...

The next day, I ran a brush through my hair, washed my face and hit the beach au naturele which is HIGHLY unusual for me... I couldn't help but think as I stood at the seawall looking down on the beach, that all those logs on the shoreline, stacked on each other every which way, looked strangely like my life.  Stripped of their bark by the currents of the ocean, they seemed to have no function other than to litter the landscape so I tried to imagine the same beach without them... I decided that well... there would be no place to sit without getting one's drawers muddy without them there but even more importantly, the beach would not have such visual impact if it simply had the tiny pebbles and sand... I went down to take a closer look... Damned if I didn't discover what couldn't be seen from the wall... Homeless people are making tiny fortresses out of those logs!  There was one little teepee up against the seawall that it was obvious someone had been sleeping in...

I went walking... I studied a woman who seemed to be "crawling" toward me... She wasn't crawling but she was looking for unusual rocks and when she found one of interest, she studied it for some time... The fact that she seemed completely oblivious to the rushing waves beside her or the panoramic view that lay just beyond her, made me think about how I see life... Whether or not I want to focus on the detritus directly in front of me to try to find value in it or whether or not, I should continue to simply focus on the larger picture with some attention to my own tiny place in the scheme of things...

We walked up onto a walking trail that's been placed along side the ocean and spent a few enjoyable hours stopping to talk with others who had dogs, stopping to take in the beautiful view that changed with every bend in the road, breathing in the wonderful sea air and just enjoying the wind and the sunshine in equal measure.

We went back again the next day... And we will go back many times in the next months...

So although, I never got further than 10 miles from home, I feel that I have indeed travelled a very long way during my holidays... Although I know that I have many more miles to travel and decisions to make, I feel that I have found something that will be precious in the next years of my life... That something is simply... me.

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