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Title: If I'm Happy, What Do I Need A Partner For?
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Silken_Fire
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Rank:Diamond

Score: 50800
From: Canada
Registered: 11/06/2008

(Date Posted:09/28/2009 19:21)
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For many of us, our life experiences change the way we have previously viewed romance and how we will go forward.  I am moving a discussion of this topic for those who want to continue it...



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WiTcHh
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Rank:Tiger Eye

Score:3660
From: Canada
Registered:11/18/2008

RE:The Realities of Romance
(Date Posted:09/09/2009 21:28)

if one is happy with oneself
does one require another?
 
if only for carnel pleasure
or for intellectual stimulae?
 
I wonder about that
wonder what it is I could
be missing
 
if in fact I be missing
anything that should be missed?

 


(Message moved here by Silken_Fire on 2009-09-29 09:33:41.73)
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SparklingRose
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Rank:Diamond

Score:5080
From: USA
Registered:01/02/2009

RE:The Realities of Romance
(Date Posted:09/10/2009 11:05)

I can't begin to tell you how ironic it is that you posted that musing, WiTcHh.  Especially since I admittedly rarely check in here for the last few months, but off the cuff decided to just this moment.

Not 2 minutes ago I posted at POF that, I retire my once cherished vitality of libido, and sexuality to the wastelands.

Why?  In a thread in their 45+ forum addressing the issue(s) of abstaining from sex until you find that 'one' and, finally accepting the fact through the myriad of males posting (pages of the same mantra)that basically women are fools to ever believe that that will happen, because "men will only decide if they love you or not only well after you give yourself to them".... 

I dunno... it just clicked for me. That one post... epiphany... acceptance of that sad fact.  The bell tolled loudly, that is was time, to lay down that internal fight of... well... hope.  Sexuality, and libido quietly flat-lined.

I'm 48.  I'm amazed to finally accept the realization that it's necessary, for my own sake, to let that hope die it's rightful peaceful death...  that maintaining hope that such a circumstance of finding the 'one' through investing/spending the time of forming a bonding sans sex relationship with ANY man before physically committing ... is quite simply... a self-inflicted bad joke.... on ANY of us that had chosen to believe in it's possibility(ies).

It's taken a solid year of actively listening/reading to the plethora of the repeated ad nuseaum male opinion of that one poster chiming in with his vast brethren...  essentially chipping away at that hope with each thread, and it's response posts, in Broken Hearts, and 45+ forums... that that hope, that I had maintained all of my life... is thoroughly, and genuinely now gone.

It would have been too big, too bitter, a pill to swallow before, all at once anyway.  Optimism, for one hell of a fighter that is me, would never have allowed (and didn't until now over this last year) the bloody beating it would have taken to kill it; but  I now find it's a relief.  A relief to give myself permission to let that hope die it's rightful peaceful death, and more importantly... be okay with it.

Hm.  What a hell of a day.




(Message moved here by Silken_Fire on 2009-09-29 09:34:09.34)
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WiTcHh
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Rank:Tiger Eye

Score:3660
From: Canada
Registered:11/18/2008

RE:The Realities of Romance
(Date Posted:09/13/2009 00:25)

wow
what a hell of an attitude

for me, its simple

I go for the gusto
get the best
enjoy the rest

no ties
no complications

just fun fun fun

i'm enjoying life now
without the responsibilities
of worrying bout what they think
or want

who TF cares

i'm way past that stuff
lol

honey..........take life by the balls
swing them around and you'll
see......without any inhibitions
you'll enjoy everything to the most!!!




(Message moved here by Silken_Fire on 2009-09-29 09:34:25.84)
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SparklingRose
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Rank:Diamond

Score:5080
From: USA
Registered:01/02/2009

RE:The Realities of Romance
(Date Posted:09/14/2009 01:40)

 wow
what a hell of an attitude

LOL

for me, its simple

I go for the gusto
get the best
enjoy the rest

For me it's as simple: 
...the best ...
 for the rest don't impress.


no ties
no complications

just fun fun fun

I'm just gonna have ta do like I used to with
a few of 'ol g/f's of mine through the years
... live vicariously through you..lol 

B*tch of it is, is that the fun, fun, fun
always ended up getting complicated sooner or later, and
worse...a few times there... hellish.
Which in turn ended my fun too. 
Bummer, but in the end?  Yeah....  glad it wasn't me.


i'm enjoying life now
without the responsibilities
of worrying bout what they think
or want

who TF cares

i'm way past that stuff
lol

Who give's a fvck?

Definitely not me... guarantee
y'ad be hard pressed to find
anyone that would tell ya different...LOL



honey..........take life by the balls
swing them around and you'll
see......without any inhibitions
you'll enjoy everything to the most!!!

Pretty much the same people you'd find
to tell you I give a fvck, would be
the same ones to tell you that I have
inhibitions.

Jury's still out as to whether me, or life,
has the bigger set of balls....
but, in the meantime... speaking of balls:
should a pair that are worthy saunter into my life...
enjoying him.. um... them? 

"Enjoyment"?

Honey, plz....I'm French. 
Tantra's got nothin' on me LOL

My point was, and is:  For me, the hope that
that stellar set of balls saunters into
my life has gone poof, and my drive to
give a damn about it, has gone with it.

Relax.  In this instance... you, and I, merely
define liberation differently.

It's all good....
smiley5


(Message moved here by Silken_Fire on 2009-09-29 09:34:42.843)
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WiTcHh
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Rank:Tiger Eye

Score:3660
From: Canada
Registered:11/18/2008

RE:The Realities of Romance
(Date Posted:09/28/2009 14:50)

oops , now one
does as one usually does
get distracted
i should re post the info
on a topic thread should
sparkling be ok with that

we are just discussing,
different attitudes certainly
make the world go different
directions

it IS all good


(Message moved here by Silken_Fire on 2009-09-29 09:35:05.543)
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Silken_Fire
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Rank:Diamond

Score:50800
From: Canada
Registered:11/06/2008

RE:If I'm Happy, What Do I Need A Partner For?
(Date Posted:09/30/2009 02:36)

This question has been one that I have to admit... simply baffles me... The only time, I feel like I have the remotest grip on why a person needs a partner, is when I start thinking about the purpose of life but it's only the purpose of my own life that I can contemplate with any kind of reality...

You see, for the first years of my adult life, I didn't question my own reasons for being here at all.  As I understood it, we were all just supposed to get married, have families and look after each other.  It wasn't a complicated concept by any stretch of the imagination.  When my first marriage ended, I simply continued on... too busy really to stop and wonder about whether I "needed" a partner or not.  It was just the "right" thing to do. I never REALLY stopped to think about whether I "needed" a partner until my last child left home and even then, the question was somewhat obscure.  I'll bet it comes as no surprise if I tell you it hit me squarely between the eyes when I finally managed to end the last fiasco that was anything BUT something a woman would need!!!

Now, after 2 years of silent introspection, I've come to the fork in the road... I feel that the longer I stay out of relationships, the less chance I have of going back into one because as lonely as it gets, I simply can't handle the idea of ever being in so much pain as I was in my last relationship ever again.  It isn't that I am scared of pain or that I think I am exempt from having to accept my share.  I've just reached a point of saturation after wading through so much of it throughout my life.  I'm hoping that this is a temporary condition because it is also true that the happiest times I can remember were the times when I was in love. 

I try to think of what I've achieved throughout my life and I have to acknowledge that without each and every one of my relationships (few tho' they be), I would not be the person I am without them.  Through the challenges, I was constantly having to find that "better way"... to convince myself to persevere... to hang onto what I believed in and the dreams of what I hoped could be somewhere down the road... I don't think I hung onto that so I could simply turf it but on the other hand, I REALLY like being able to run my own life.

I think what I love about being on my own is the lack of guilt.  Gawd almighty, I can't remember a day when I ever went without a feeling of guilt about something I hadn't done, something I couldn't find a way to do better or feeling that I had disappointed someone.  I hated having those knives always stabbing at me because I wasn't "super woman".  I felt guilty if I didn't want to go to bed when he did.  I felt guilty if I got tired of having to live with my face stuck in the fridge because everyone else was hungry when I wasn't.  I felt guilty if I forgot to wash HIS coveralls for work the next day or if I overwatered the plants and they damaged the furniture.  I felt guilty if I ate too much and when I wanted to rest when there was still work to be done.  I used to wait for everyone to leave the house so that I could slap some music on the stereo and dance for awhile.  If they came back early, I felt guilty for not getting to my work. 

For me, this time alone is about not having to always feel so damn guilty, not having to live up to someone else's expectations, not having to always be putting someone else's needs before my own.  I can't seem to quit liking that enough to want to change it.

I've always "danced to my own drummer" but I've also worked hard to just survive and to be someone my family could be proud of.  It isn't even a matter of "needing" a partner so much as I am happy to be finally making my own acquaintance after all these years.

 

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SparklingRose
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Rank:Diamond

Score:5080
From: USA
Registered:01/02/2009

Reply To Silken%5FFire
(Date Posted:12/10/2009 22:33)

Reply to Silken_Fire (09/30/2009 3:36:01 AM)

This question has been one that I have to admit... simply baffles me... The only time, I feel like I have the remotest grip on why a person needs a partner, is when I start thinking about the purpose of life but it's only the purpose of my own life that I can contemplate with any kind of reality...

You see, for the first years of my adult life, I didn't question my own reasons for being here at all.  As I understood it, we were all just supposed to get married, have families and look after each other.  It wasn't a complicated concept by any stretch of the imagination.  When my first marriage ended, I simply continued on... too busy really to stop and wonder about whether I "needed" a partner or not.  It was just the "right" thing to do. I never REALLY stopped to think about whether I "needed" a partner until my last child left home and even then, the question was somewhat obscure.  I'll bet it comes as no surprise if I tell you it hit me squarely between the eyes when I finally managed to end the last fiasco that was anything BUT something a woman would need!!!

Now, after 2 years of silent introspection, I've come to the fork in the road... I feel that the longer I stay out of relationships, the less chance I have of going back into one because as lonely as it gets, I simply can't handle the idea of ever being in so much pain as I was in my last relationship ever again.  It isn't that I am scared of pain or that I think I am exempt from having to accept my share.  I've just reached a point of saturation after wading through so much of it throughout my life.  I'm hoping that this is a temporary condition because it is also true that the happiest times I can remember were the times when I was in love. 


I try to think of what I've achieved throughout my life and I have to acknowledge that without each and every one of my relationships (few tho' they be), I would not be the person I am without them.  Through the challenges, I was constantly having to find that "better way"... to convince myself to persevere... to hang onto what I believed in and the dreams of what I hoped could be somewhere down the road... I don't think I hung onto that so I could simply turf it but on the other hand, I REALLY like being able to run my own life.

Well, I tell ya what.. I could have written the above myself,

because I sooo relate to it.  Bleh.


I think what I love about being on my own is the lack of guilt.  Gawd almighty, I can't remember a day when I ever went without a feeling of guilt about something I hadn't done, something I couldn't find a way to do better or feeling that I had disappointed someone.  I hated having those knives always stabbing at me because I wasn't "super woman".  I felt guilty if I didn't want to go to bed when he did.  I felt guilty if I got tired of having to live with my face stuck in the fridge because everyone else was hungry when I wasn't.  I felt guilty if I forgot to wash HIS coveralls for work the next day or if I over watered the plants and they damaged the furniture.  I felt guilty if I ate too much and when I wanted to rest when there was still work to be done.  I used to wait for everyone to leave the house so that I could slap some music on the stereo and dance for awhile.  If they came back early, I felt guilty for not getting to my work. 

For me, this time alone is about not having to always feel so damn guilty, not having to live up to someone else's expectations, not having to always be putting someone else's needs before my own.  I can't seem to quit liking that enough to want to change it.


Sheesh...  the above also. 

Question:  Do you, or have you,  not found that

that all those yrs, in the end, when you're finally

free of it, you found yourself  at least somewhat resentful? 


Resentment, attempting to capture you, let alone try to keep you captive once

caught?  Then resent feeling resentful because resentment is

just as much a 'prison' as consistently guilt ridden is.


I'm pretty sure at this point that that is the rut that I had

found myself in.  So, frustrating!  Yet was surprisingly difficult

to recognize as such.  I knew after the fact, that I was angry,

but strange as it may seem, I just could NOT pin point why!  (Me... the strong one, the

one that was sooo tuned in, right?)


Not as a big picture, anyway.  That huge,  vague/evasive feeling, in combo with what

I was marking the majority of my anger/angst up to was "perimenopausal issues"...

imbalances ....  in my race to unsnare myself from that web.  I mean, to confront

what I just could not nail to be ABLE to call out and resolve it?  Just had me more

tangled.. Oy.  I just do NOT do well with vague anger controlling me.. at all.  It's just

too different and counter intuitive to whom I was before for those decades precedeing

this resentment phase... from hell, quite frankly.  Brought an all new meaning to the

unwelcomed word, and position of:  Exhausting!  A new level to resent from to boot.

Daayyyumm.  Regardless, of how self aware I was, and am, I  was just was

TOTALLY unprepared, and completely blindsided by it no matter how much effort I

had previously (in different stages throughout my adult life) put into the study of

cognitive behavioral therapy!  WOW. 


I've always "danced to my own drummer" but I've also worked hard to just survive and to be someone my family could be proud of.  It isn't even a matter of "needing" a partner so much as I am happy to be finally making my own acquaintance after all these years.


Hear, hear.... the only thing I can add to that is that for ME, I can finally see a light at

the end of the tunnel... better at not convincing myself it's merely the headlight of a

train ... LOL... and, feel hope towards a 'future' of Me sans irrational angst , and not

so turned off of the idea that it would/could include a partner.  BUT, comfortable

with the very real possibility that  "partner" may not be in the cards, and that I can

genuinely accept that for merely what it is, as opposed to absolutely abhorring the

very idea, or the previous feeling I had before the "sky fell in" of just some how not

quite worthy of a stellar, healthy relationship.  I definitely know better then that

now... finally installed firmly in my core.  But... do I care any longer if HE comes 

along?   Jury's still out.  Deliberations though, still 90% of the time, mutters  "No." ...

SO very opposed to my life's mantra of past!  THAT's where MY fork in the road

came, and had NO clue what the hell I was personally dealing with.

But, who knows.  Subject to change, eh? 

Whatever.. I leave it with higher powers to decide.  I get tired just thinking about

it, and quite frankly, tired I need LESS of.  Tired makes me a biotch;  THIS much I

know for SURE... LOL.


Damn.. regardless of what all phases, learning, growing, stressin' and whatnot until

this "fork"...this has been some hell of a last 5 yrs, I tell ya.   

The 8 ys before then were  stellar! ... well, comparatively anyway.  But, back then I

thought for sure... ME of allll people ... would have NEVER been duped, never mind

caught,  by a Sociopath/NPD .


  Pheeww.





(Message edited by SparklingRose On 12/10/2009 22:47)
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