Reply to Silken_Fire (09/30/2009 3:36:01 AM)
This question has been one that I have to admit... simply baffles me... The only time, I feel like I have the remotest grip on why a person needs a partner, is when I start thinking about the purpose of life but it's only the purpose of my own life that I can contemplate with any kind of reality...
You see, for the first years of my adult life, I didn't question my own reasons for being here at all. As I understood it, we were all just supposed to get married, have families and look after each other. It wasn't a complicated concept by any stretch of the imagination. When my first marriage ended, I simply continued on... too busy really to stop and wonder about whether I "needed" a partner or not. It was just the "right" thing to do. I never REALLY stopped to think about whether I "needed" a partner until my last child left home and even then, the question was somewhat obscure. I'll bet it comes as no surprise if I tell you it hit me squarely between the eyes when I finally managed to end the last fiasco that was anything BUT something a woman would need!!!
Now, after 2 years of silent introspection, I've come to the fork in the road... I feel that the longer I stay out of relationships, the less chance I have of going back into one because as lonely as it gets, I simply can't handle the idea of ever being in so much pain as I was in my last relationship ever again. It isn't that I am scared of pain or that I think I am exempt from having to accept my share. I've just reached a point of saturation after wading through so much of it throughout my life. I'm hoping that this is a temporary condition because it is also true that the happiest times I can remember were the times when I was in love.
I try to think of what I've achieved throughout my life and I have to acknowledge that without each and every one of my relationships (few tho' they be), I would not be the person I am without them. Through the challenges, I was constantly having to find that "better way"... to convince myself to persevere... to hang onto what I believed in and the dreams of what I hoped could be somewhere down the road... I don't think I hung onto that so I could simply turf it but on the other hand, I REALLY like being able to run my own life.
Well, I tell ya what.. I could have written the above myself,
because I sooo relate to it. Bleh.
I think what I love about being on my own is the lack of guilt. Gawd almighty, I can't remember a day when I ever went without a feeling of guilt about something I hadn't done, something I couldn't find a way to do better or feeling that I had disappointed someone. I hated having those knives always stabbing at me because I wasn't "super woman". I felt guilty if I didn't want to go to bed when he did. I felt guilty if I got tired of having to live with my face stuck in the fridge because everyone else was hungry when I wasn't. I felt guilty if I forgot to wash HIS coveralls for work the next day or if I over watered the plants and they damaged the furniture. I felt guilty if I ate too much and when I wanted to rest when there was still work to be done. I used to wait for everyone to leave the house so that I could slap some music on the stereo and dance for awhile. If they came back early, I felt guilty for not getting to my work.
For me, this time alone is about not having to always feel so damn guilty, not having to live up to someone else's expectations, not having to always be putting someone else's needs before my own. I can't seem to quit liking that enough to want to change it.
Sheesh... the above also.
Question: Do you, or have you, not found that
that all those yrs, in the end, when you're finally
free of it, you found yourself at least somewhat resentful?
Resentment, attempting to capture you, let alone try to keep you captive once
caught? Then resent feeling resentful because resentment is
just as much a 'prison' as consistently guilt ridden is.
I'm pretty sure at this point that that is the rut that I had
found myself in. So, frustrating! Yet was surprisingly difficult
to recognize as such. I knew after the fact, that I was angry,
but strange as it may seem, I just could NOT pin point why! (Me... the strong one, the
one that was sooo tuned in, right?)
Not as a big picture, anyway. That huge, vague/evasive feeling, in combo with what
I was marking the majority of my anger/angst up to was "perimenopausal issues"...
imbalances .... in my race to unsnare myself from that web. I mean, to confront
what I just could not nail to be ABLE to call out and resolve it? Just had me more
tangled.. Oy. I just do NOT do well with vague anger controlling me.. at all. It's just
too different and counter intuitive to whom I was before for those decades precedeing
this resentment phase... from hell, quite frankly. Brought an all new meaning to the
unwelcomed word, and position of: Exhausting! A new level to resent from to boot.
Daayyyumm. Regardless, of how self aware I was, and am, I was just was
TOTALLY unprepared, and completely blindsided by it no matter how much effort I
had previously (in different stages throughout my adult life) put into the study of
cognitive behavioral therapy! WOW.
I've always "danced to my own drummer" but I've also worked hard to just survive and to be someone my family could be proud of. It isn't even a matter of "needing" a partner so much as I am happy to be finally making my own acquaintance after all these years.
Hear, hear.... the only thing I can add to that is that for ME, I can finally see a light at
the end of the tunnel... better at not convincing myself it's merely the headlight of a
train ... LOL... and, feel hope towards a 'future' of Me sans irrational angst , and not
so turned off of the idea that it would/could include a partner. BUT, comfortable
with the very real possibility that "partner" may not be in the cards, and that I can
genuinely accept that for merely what it is, as opposed to absolutely abhorring the
very idea, or the previous feeling I had before the "sky fell in" of just some how not
quite worthy of a stellar, healthy relationship. I definitely know better then that
now... finally installed firmly in my core. But... do I care any longer if HE comes
along? Jury's still out. Deliberations though, still 90% of the time, mutters "No." ...
SO very opposed to my life's mantra of past! THAT's where MY fork in the road
came, and had NO clue what the hell I was personally dealing with.
But, who knows. Subject to change, eh?
Whatever.. I leave it with higher powers to decide. I get tired just thinking about
it, and quite frankly, tired I need LESS of. Tired makes me a biotch; THIS much I
know for SURE... LOL.
Damn.. regardless of what all phases, learning, growing, stressin' and whatnot until
this "fork"...this has been some hell of a last 5 yrs, I tell ya.
The 8 ys before then were stellar! ... well, comparatively anyway. But, back then I
thought for sure... ME of allll people ... would have NEVER been duped, never mind
caught, by a Sociopath/NPD .