A TUDOR NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
On the night before Christmas, alone in his house,
King Henry was wishing he still had a spouse.
His stocking was hung by the chimney with care
And he hoped that on Christmas a queen would be there.
He snuggled his pillow when he went to bed
And dreamed of a woman who still had a head.
She put on a kerchief, and he wore a cap,
As they settled down for a long winter's nap.
When out on the green there arose such a clatter
He sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash!
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to his wondering eyes did appear,
But all of his wives, and he trembled with fear!
His memories came back, they were lively and quick,
He knew in a moment that he would be sick!
More rabid than canines the former queens came,
And Henry remembered and called them by name:
"Now Cathy! Now Annie! Now Janey and Anne!
Cate Howard! Forgive me! I was a bad man!
Don't spook me no more! You get off of my lawn!
Now dash away! Dash away! All of you, gone!"
The wives didn't listen! The King, with a sigh,
Said, "Come on in, ladies, let's give peace a try."
So up to the castle, the queens, they all flew,
And Annie and Cathy had on their heads, too!
And then, with a giggle, the queens, they all sat,
And Hank said, "I'm sorry for being a rat!
You all did your best! You were wonderful wives!
And I am a bum cuz I messed up your lives!
I know that I broke up your Aragon heart,
When I sent you away and your health fell apart.
And Annie! Poor Annie! You shouldn't be dead!
I cannot believe that I cut off your head!
Jane Seymour, I know that you'd still be alive,
But I knocked you up and you didn't survive!
And I shouldn't have said that Anne looked like a horse,
Or said I'd behead her without a divorce.
And I don't blame you, Cathy, for being a slut!
With me for a husband, you were in a rut!
You'd still have a head if it weren't for me,
And I am as sorry as sorry can be!"
The queens were amazed! They thought Henry'd changed!
And none of them said that they thought it was strange!
They forgave him and said that he was a good king,
They'd find him a woman to wear his gold ring.
They spoke not a word but went straight to their work,
And they found Cathy Parr, & she married the jerk!
Yes, Henry had lied, as he did all his life,
He fooled all the queens and he got him a wife!
He sprang from his bed on that bright Christmas Day,
So proud of himself, for he got his own way!
He was heard to exclaim, with the queens out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to ME! I shall sleep well tonight!"